


Antique Explosion

by emma98



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, background Bucky/Nat - Freeform, really bad pickup lines, really really bad pickup lines, silly strange fluffy fun, unrepentant workplace sexual harrassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 14:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11533779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emma98/pseuds/emma98
Summary: Bucky Barnes doesn't have a lot to laugh about.  But Darcy noticed that whenever she inappropriately flirted or talked about Steve Rogers, Bucky had a little chuckle.So she'll take one for the team and sexually harass Captain America in order to get the Winter Soldier to smile.  Someone has to do it.(Darcy flirts relentlessly and poorly with Steve until he breaks).





	Antique Explosion

**Author's Note:**

> A long time ago, I asked for people to send me titles, and I would do a short blurb about a fic based on the title, that I would never write.
> 
> I'm obviously a liar, because this is #2 of the thing I would NEVER write, that I've now written. 
> 
> This is silly, and Darcy's behavior is NOT appropriate, but it is fun to write, so there we are.

**Antique Explosion**

* * *

 

" _Break me off a piece of that Cap-Cap bar_."

 

"Darce.  That doesn't even make any sense," Jane sighed, sprawled out on the ground on her back as she fiddled with the guts of a machine she should have probably allowed Tony to upgrade years ago.  "Hand me the thingamajig."

 

After five years, Jane had learned that it was just easier to call her gadgetry by Darcy's made up names.  It was the only way to get the right tool in her hands.  

 

"Explain how it doesn't make sense," Darcy scoffed, handing Jane her homemade automated precision hammer, aka the thingamajig.  "I call bullshit on that not making sense."

 

"I'm assuming you're doing a Kit-Kat riff," Jane shrugged.

 

"Duh, I sang it, Janie," Darcy rolled her eyes.  "Brilliant, my ass."

 

"One, RUDE, two, Cap-Cap bar seems clunky," Jane put the hammer down and peered into the guts of her machine.  "And three, do you really want to BREAK his Cap-Cap bar?"

 

"No, but I definitely want it in my mouth at some point," Darcy quickly rebounded.

 

"But would you put a kit kat bar between your legs?" Jane questioned.

 

"Not since that mishap you had with the whipped cream and Thor's surprising lactose intolerance," Darcy shrugged.  "Food gets put on the girls to be eaten away, not in the hoohah zone."

 

Jane glared at Darcy.  They were never supposed to speak of the lactose intolerance ever again.  She went back to her work and let Darcy openly and wantonly covet the superhero that was assigned to be their security detail during the full moon research trip in the Adirondack Mountains.  Thor, bless him, had been horrified to see what had happened on Earth in...well, all of 2016, and pleaded with Jane to allow him to find suitable protectors for the times he could not keep his beloved and his adored sister safe himself.

 

He'd chosen Steve Rogers and the secret Avengers.  And Darcy, at least, had been tickled pink.  She'd been missing what she had deemed as Good Ole Earth Eye Candy during their last fifteen month stay in the genderless planet in the Alfheim system.  

 

Part of the appeal for Darcy, was of course that Steve Rogers was untouchable.  There was no way all of that hunky, kind, perfect, sarcastic, honest-to-Frigga superhero  goodness wanted anything more than a polite conversation with Darcy.  So she coveted from afar.  And felt absolutely free and easy with being as corny and cheesy as she wanted from afar.  

 

She looked at the tiny, stuffed Cap tsum-tsum doll on her tiny, improvised workspace and gave it a smack of a kiss before nestling it safely in the tight confines of her cleavage.

 

"You stay there, little Cap, since I'm not getting the real thing to visit the holy land any time soon," Darcy sighed, watching as Steve stood with Sam about fifty yards away, his hands fisted at his sides.  "God damn, you could bounce a quarter off of that ass."

 

"You should go and talk to him," Jane encouraged.  "He's nice, and Thor trusts him completely.  You know that makes him a good guy."

 

"Psshhawww," Darcy waved her hand at Jane.  "Please, let's not get carried away.  I will covet from afar.  I don't need to get all up in his business.  Besides, he's dating Carter."

 

"Ohhhhh," Jane nodded.  "She's awesome."

 

"Damn right she is," Darcy nodded.  "I'll just crush from afar. No harm, no foul."

 

They fell back into their patterns of work, and Jane yawned at about four in the morning.  Jane never yawned when in science mode, so Darcy called a stop to all work.  

 

"You don't touch anything, I'm going to go and get Captain Beefcake and offer to carry his future babies for him," Darcy ordered Jane.  "And then, you know, tell him to take us home, where all the banging could happen."

 

"Idiot," Jane smiled fondly at Darcy.   She waited patiently, not touching anything, because Darcy could always tell, and Jane didn't need to be put on a time-out.  She was dozing off, the night had been super productive, and she felt it was a good stopping place anyway.  She'd be able to grab even better readings if she got a good night's or day's sleep before the stars came out again the next night.

 

"You do realize that Steve can HEAR you when you speak in here, don't you?"

 

"HOLY CHEESE AND CRACKERS!" Jane yelped and spun around to see Natasha staring her in the eye, a calm smirk on her face.  "Uhm---no?"

 

"He can," Natasha said pleasantly.  

 

"He can hear everything?" Jane reiterated.  "Everything that Darcy has been saying about him for the past two months?"

 

"Everything," Natasha answered.

 

"Oh shit," Jane whispered, immediately thinking of how offended he must be.  Darcy wouldn't care, not really.  Her brain to mouth filter was always permanently turned off, and she was proud of it.  Darcy's motto was _Who had time to think about being PG rated when there was adventure to be had_.

It had mostly served her well throughout her young life.  Until now.

 

"Don't let Carter kill her," Jane whispered.

 

"Sharon has no interest in Steve any longer," Natasha smirked.  "They've gone their separate ways.  Months ago, actually."

 

"Oh.  Then.  Okay?" Jane shrugged.  "Let Darcy have her fun then.  I'm sure it's nothing Steve's not heard before."

 

"Why doesn't Darcy make a move?  It's not like her to be shy," Natasha remarked.  

 

"She thinks Steve is out of her league," Jane rolled her eyes.  "And as someone who dates the Asgardian God of Thunder, I try and explain to her that there aren't real leagues that people play in, but Darcy really only hears what she wants."

 

"Would you like to run a little experiment of the social variety?" Natasha pondered.  "I have a theory."

 

"I like theories."

 

* * *

 

"Darce, go and get Steve, I need help lifting this," Jane ordered the very next night.

 

"Oh HELL yes, Mama wants to see those muscles working overtime," Darcy gave herself a small fist pump.  "Can you make him bend over?"

 

"Stop objectifying him and talk to him like he's a real person," Jane advised.  "He's NICE, Darce."

 

"Dude, I know, relax," Darcy laughed.  "I'm well aware of how nice he is.  Hence, the whole out of my league ness of him.  But still, a girl has needs, Janie."

 

"Go and get him, please," Jane rolled her eyes.  

 

Darcy shot finger guns Jane's way before spinning and rushing towards the outer line where Steve and Sam were.  She knew that Bucky Barnes was further out, providing totally unnecessary sniper coverage and Natasha was somewhere because Darcy could SMELL her absolutely divine perfume.

 

"Oh, I'll go and get him alright. I'm gonna go and get him and you know...GET him," Darcy cackled excitedly.  "All day and all night go and get him."

 

When she tapped Steve on his incredibly rock hard, perfectly broad shoulder, she wasn't prepared for him to whip around, his face beet red and his eyes darting around nervously.

 

"Miss Lewis?" he questioned.

 

"Hey Captain Hottie, Janie would like it if you could come and move things with your very attractive muscles, please and thank you," Darcy grinned up at him.

 

"Uh, sure," Steve nodded.  He pulled out the comm unit from his ear and put it into his pocket but only continued to stare down at Darcy with his red face and unfocused gaze.  "Miss Lewis, I think that I should let you know---"

 

"Hmm?" Darcy gave him  a beguiling smile, swaying a little on her feet as she stared up at him.  

 

"I mean, uh---I can hear you," Steve blurted.  A loud angry noise could be heard from the comm unit in Steve's pocket.  Darcy wondered if it was Bucky or Sam or both.  They were obviously cursing him out, upset that Steve was saying anything at all.

 

"You can hear me...now?" Darcy offered.

 

"When you say the things you say.  About me," Steve said stiffly.  "I can hear you."

 

"GOD DAMMIT STEVE!" the comm unit roared from his pocket.  Bucky, clearly.

 

"Sooooooooooo?" Darcy shrugged, gesturing with his hands for Steve to continue.

 

"So, you can stop your teasing.  You don't---you don't have to continue talking about me like that," Steve offered.  

 

Darcy wrinkled her nose and pursed her mouth, looking up at Steve like he was a riddle she needed to solve.  Bucky kept swearing from the comm unit, telling Steve that he was an idiot and all of Bucky's enjoyment was apparently thrown out of the window and how dare he do this to him after all that Hydra put him through and doesn't he deserve a laugh every once and again at Steve's expense?

 

"Nope, I don't wanna," Darcy shrugged.  Bucky's squawking immediately stopped.  "And now that I know that you know, I can flirt with you right to your face."

 

"Uhhhhhhh," Steve blinked down at her rapidly.

 

"And if Carter makes a fuss, you tell her  that she owes me after I remote unlocked that security cabinet for her last year.  Like...far remote unlocked it, since I was on a different planet when I did it," Darcy advised.  "I like seeing this blushy thing you got going on there, cutie pie.  And far be it from me to deny Barnes of free entertainment."

 

"But---that's not---"

 

"And you're not actually my boss, so you can't fire me," Darcy continued.  "I mean if you really don't want me to, I'll stop, because I don't want to be a footnote in history for being locked up for sexually harassing Captain America."

 

"No, I wouldn't, it's not that, it's just..." Steve sighed, apparently unable to get the correct words out of his mouth.  "I'm not very good at flirting back."

 

"No one asked you to," Darcy promised.  "Just keep blushing that pretty blush, and we'll be all good.  Your safe word, if you want out, is hickory.  Okay?"

 

"Uhm.  Alright?"

 

"Excellent.  Let's do this."

 

* * *

 

“What are you doing with that roll of quarters?”

 

Darcy grinned at Laura’s question.  They’d arrived back at the Avenger’s secret base, unscathed and full of helpful research that morning.  Darcy had patted Steve’s biceps and thanked them for their service, causing him to blush and stammer at her.  Bucky had giggled himself silly as he unpacked the truck, so clearly, this open one sided flirtation with Steve was going to be great all around.

 

“Seriously, is Wilson honestly going to try to make the washer and dryer sets a fully operational laundromat?” Laura demanded.  “Because I’d like to remind him that NONE of us are making money out here, we’re all living off of Steve’s pension and King T’Challa’s stipends, and we don’t need to reintroduce capitalism into our utopia!”

 

“If you’re worried about capitalism rising in our socialist heaven, you should probably make sure your kids aren’t scamming Jane for dollars anymore,” Darcy said seriously.   “They made ten bucks off of her last week for _de-bugging_ her cabin.”

 

“God damn little bastards,” Laura sighed.  “Clever though.”

 

“Hmmm,” Darcy unwrapped the roll of quarters, and began stacking them two by two on the countertop.  Laura was about to ask a question, and Darcy held her hand up and placed it right over Laura’s mouth.  “Wait for it.”

 

Almost immediately the smell hit Laura’s nostrils, the delicious wafting aroma of butter and brown sugar and chocolate all melding together into one powerful, dangerous weapon.  Darcy Lewis’ Chocolate Chip Cookies.  The recipe was so closely guarded that she only mixed it when she was completely alone in the kitchen.  Even Natasha, Bucky and Clint, the three most annoyingly curious people in the entire world, would leave her to it, because if they didn’t, they understood that there would be no cookies.  

 

Ridiculously buttery, soft in all the right places, chewy right where you needed it...the chocolate chip cookies were amazing, and everyone on the base would do just about anything for them.  It was a power that Darcy welded with benevolence, really.  She could have probably just as easily become drunk with power and turned into a super villain, but instead, used the cookies as a reward system and a powerful bartering tool on the capitalism-free base.

 

The thing about the cookies, the smell traveled really well, and it was like a siren’s call to all of the members of the Secret Avenger’s base.  Once Sam and Scott had tried to drown each other in a puddle to get to the cookies faster.  This time, a rapid, thundering set of footsteps could be heard coming from right upstairs.

 

The Captain’s quarters.

 

Steve ran into the kitchen, a big smile on his face.  

 

“I’m first?  I’m the first here?” he asked with breathless wonder.

 

“You are,” Darcy nodded.  More footsteps and angry shouting could be heard outside.  “Could you help a girl out, Cutie?  My back is kind of sore from that thing with the thing while we were gone, can you take the trays out?  They’re ready to come out.”

 

“Of course, Miss Lewis,” Steve smiled at her, shy and beautiful.  He turned around and went for the mitts.

 

“Should have made him put on the apron,” Laura whispered very close to Darcy’s ear.

 

“Next time,” Darcy insisted, picking up her first little stack of quarters.  

 

She waited until Steve had bent over to open the oven door and tossed the quarters with surprising accuracy.  

 

It bounced right off of his right ass cheek and clattered to the floor.

 

“Miss Lewis,” her formal name on his lips was something between a slightly exasperated sigh and a chuckle.  He felt another quarter ping off of his left ass cheek.  “ _Darcy.”_

 

“Holy shit, he said your name,” Laura whispered, in total shock.  It had been quite a long time of Darcy and Jane being kept under Steve’s protection, and this was the first time her first name had passed his lips.  Laura had been kind of worried that Steve hadn’t even _known_ that her first name was Darcy.  

 

“Steve, honey, sweetie, cutie, this is for _science_ ,” Darcy insisted, continuing to bounce quarters off of his ass, rapid fire as he grabbed cookie trays out of the industrial sized oven and put them on countertops.  Everytime he bent back over, there was another four quarters, bouncing right off of perfect, pert ass cheeks.  

 

“What are you doing?” Laura hissed at her.

 

“Oh, I’m totally allowed to do this, because it helps with Bucky’s recovery,” Darcy insisted.  She gave a wink to Steve, who was blushing and staring over at her, the look on his face assessing, as if he were trying to figure out the best way to say something.  “No harm, no foul.  Steve’s not interested, and I know that, so boom.  All for Bucky-boy’s amusement.”

 

“Except, Bucky isn’t here right now,” Laura reminded her.

 

“Steve there are six more trays in the fridge, can you be a gorgeous baker’s assistant and pop those in for me?” Darcy cooed at him.  

 

He sighed, shook his head in amusement before doing as she asked.  

 

Bucky came barrelling into the kitchen, sniffing like a bloodhound, with Sam and Clint clearly wrestling twenty feet away from the cabin for dominance.  He arrived just in time to see the next set of quarters bouncing off of Steve’s ass and barked out with laughter.

 

“Stuff it, Buck,” Steve ordered.  “Or you’re not getting any cookies.”

 

* * *

 

“Okay, just---just pretend I’m her, okay, you can do this.”

 

Bucky laughed, the motion of it had once felt foreign to him, especially when Natasha had had him thawed and fixed back in Wakanda.  He’d laughed the first time when she’d demanded he take off his clothing on the quinjet home (he’d done what she said and it had been glorious).  And then when they’d finally made it back to Steve’s secret base, it had felt like he hadn’t stopped laughing since.  

 

It was nice.  It was amazing, really.  

 

Steve gave him a glare and Bucky shrugged before watching Wilson try and coach Steve.  

 

Bucky didn’t want to lord it over Wilson that he knew Steve better, especially Steve in regards to pretty dames he was head over heels in love with.  But he totally _did_ know Steve better, especially Steve in regard to pretty dames he was head over heels in love with, and Steve was NOT going to be able to get a word out of his mouth.  

 

It was part of his charm really.

 

But Bucky had the luxury of prior experience.  And he knew that Steve didn’t need to say anything to cute little Darcy Lewis when she came by and shamelessly flirted.  Which she was about to do, Bucky could see her approaching from afar, practically skipping in her happiness.

 

“Oh, hey, uhm, Darcy,” Steve said to Sam, who smiled prettily and batted his eyelashes.  Steve shook his head and put his hands over his eyes.  “This is too weird.  And it’s not going to work.”

 

Bucky agreed.  It was _not_ going to work.  But again, it didn’t matter.  Because Steve Rogers was going to break soon.  Bucky could tell.  And when he did, it was going to be glorious.

 

“Hey Steve, other boys,” Darcy nodded at Bucky and Sam before turning a flirtatious grin back on Steve.  

 

“Hi---uhm---” Steve said quietly, his face going pink very quickly.

 

“Darcy,” Sam stage whispered.

 

“Darcy,” Steve nodded.

 

“You know, you look pretty great today,” Darcy reached up and dusted off his shoulders playfully, before letting her hands stay there as she looked up at him coquettishly.  

 

“I do?” Steve’s voice scaled up.

 

“Yup,” Darcy’s lips were slanted into a delicious little smirk.  “I like this shirt.”

 

“Scott stole them,” Steve blurted.  

 

Bucky couldn’t hide his snort of laughter, earning a quick glare from steve before the blonde’s attention went back down to Darcy, who was scrunching up little fistfuls of fabric from his t-shirt in her hands.

 

“But do you know what looks really good on you, Cutie?” she asked.

 

“Don’t do it,” Sam rolled his eyes.

 

“Huh?” Steve was gone, gone gone in his dreamy stare down at her.  It was a little ridiculous that Darcy couldn’t see it, so dedicated to her awful flirting that it went right up and over her head.

 

“ _Me_ ,” Darcy purred.  

 

“I forgot what the question was,” Steve admitted.

 

Bucky couldn’t help it, he laughed uproariously, nearly passing out from oxygen deprivation as he laughed at his friend’s absolute idiocy.  

 

Darcy let go of Steve’s shirt and grinned up at him impishly as Bucky cackled with glee.  She waved at Steve and promised, “See you in about an hour.”

 

* * *

 

Workouts were communal, and everyone was encouraged to attend, even the ‘civilians’.  Natasha was a little maniacal when it came to making sure everyone ran through the drills that would ensure their safety should the base be attacked.  Even Darcy could run a mile if she absolutely had to (the skateboards she stashed all over the base helped).  But Natasha was on a supply run with Scott, so that meant the civilians didn’t have to do much of anything.

 

But Darcy came out to the two pm workout session with a folding chair, a small cooler, and a giant foam hand that had the words ‘ _Steve’s Number One Fan’_ printed on it.

 

“We’re not supposed to order things from Amazon, anymore, Darce,”  Wanda reminded her.  

 

“Tell that to your nail polish collection, Maximoff,” Darcy said slyly.  “Now move three feet to the right, Mama needs to watch Big Daddy get sweaty.”

 

“Jesus,” Wanda giggled, doing as she was told.

 

Darcy cracked open the cooler bending over and digging in it for her drinks and snacked.  She didn’t hear the strangled noise from Steve, but everyone else did, and could see him staring at her backside.  

 

Bucky stopped his own stretching and his eyes moved back and forth in assessment.  

 

“Shit,” Steve whispered.  “I just wanna---I wanna…”

 

Darcy straightened up and took a seat in her folding chair before twisting the cap off of the bottle of soda taking a big gulp.  She wasn’t the most elegant of drinkers and some did dribble down her chin and right into the line of cleavage.

 

Steve whimpered.  Audibly.

 

Next was snacks, and to Steve’s horror and fascination it was some of the mystery sausage that Clint had made from scratch.  He refused to tell anyone what it was, but slapped into a roll, it didn’t matter because it was delicious.  Darcy’s ruby red lips parted and she took a hearty bite of the phallic food.  

 

“GOD DAMN IT!” Steve shouted.  

 

He threw whatever he was lifting down on the ground.  It was very heavy.  And it bounced towards Clint, who jumped and ran quickly away from harm.  Steve took no notice, and stormed over to where Darcy was sitting, standing high above her, his chest heaving and his face a bright, tomato red.

 

“Oh no, you should have told me this wasn’t cool when I did it!” Darcy automatically began to defend herself, a sausage sandwich in one hand, her soda in the other.  The giant foam hand was laying in her lap, his name  on top of her crotch.   “I would have stopped, I never wanted to actually sexually harass you into real anger!”

 

“No, I’m not angry,” Steve clarified.  “I---I---”

  
The rest of the team waited for Steve to say something.  Wanda had her phone out, recording it for Natasha.  But Bucky just sat there, grinning like an idiot as he watched fireworks unfold.  

 

“D’you know what you would look really beautiful in?” Steve demanded.

 

“I always think I look nice in blue,” Darcy whispered, shocked to her core.

 

“My arms, you’d look beautiful in my arms,” Steve blurted.  He barely took a breath before going again, “Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I’ll give it back.”

 

“Whaaaaaat?” Darcy whispered.

 

“Your daddy must have been a baker, cause you have a nice set of buns,” Steve continued his bad pickup line verbal diarrhea.  He automatically held up his middle finger behind his back to Bucky, who had just started to laugh hysterically.  “Happy Belated Independence day, would you please help me raise my flag?”

 

“Holy shit,” Sam joined Bucky in his laughter, followed quickly by Wanda and Clint.

 

“This is the best thing to have ever happened to me ever,” Darcy admitted, still shell shocked.

 

“You remind me of my pinkie toe, little cute---” Steve swallowed slowly before finishing the line in nearly a whisper, starting to lose steam, “And I’ll probably bang you on my coffee table tonight.”

 

Darcy dropped her sandwich on top of the cooler, and placed her soda down on the ground before picking up her foam finger and holding it in the air.  

 

“Go, Steve, Go!” she cheered relatively quietly.

 

“I just--you’re an amazing and gorgeous  idiot to think that I wouldn’t like you, do you even---are those beautiful eyes blind, sweetheart?” Steve asked.

 

“I---I thought you were dating Sharon?” Darcy offered.

 

“No, not at all, not for a long time,” Steve admitted.  “But I’d---I want to date you, if---if you’ll have me.”

 

Darcy popped up onto her feet and launched herself at him, kissing him hard and quick.  

 

“You don’t even have a fishing pole, and I’m hooked.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this silly stuff. Thanks for reading!


End file.
